Depressed

Today I am depressed.  I find myself being very rude, and snappy, very irritable.  A thing so small and insignificant will have me feeling like crying and thinking about death.  Any little bit of stress I feel today is multiplied by a thousand.  I will sit and pout, and breath heavily, and throw my tantrums that are so minimal to the frustrations I fell inside.  The turmoil inside my chest feels like death trying to chew its way outside.  Why does it want me so bad?  Why does the smell of death infiltrate my nostrils until I am physically ill?  How can I talk myself into things that are so dumb, so unbelievable?

You might ask, like what?  You know that I will never eat grilled chicken?  I have probably eaten grilled chicken two times since "the incident."  And both times I have puked.  On my birthday 6 years ago, I was feeling kind of ill.  Some stomach bug.  But I had gone out the day before, and purchased some more expensive food for me to cook for myself on my birthday.  I can not recall all what I bought/made but the one items I felt was at fault was this preseasoned chicken breast.  I cooked it how the directions said, but something in it did not taste right to me.  The more I though about it, the more sick I got, until I ended up in the bathroom puking up everything I had ever eaten in my life.  It was bad, I had bruises on bruises on my face.  There was no spot left untouched.  The thought that kept repeating in my head was "chicken is poisoned."  When I attempt to eat chicken to this day, all I can think is that it is poisoned.  And the second that thought enters my head, I am running to the bathroom.  I can not stop my brain from making my body get rid of any food I just ate.

My brain is powerful.  It is also infected with a disease called scizophrenia.  I have been diagnosed with a lot of things in my life, and a lot of them I can't accept.  Most of them actually.  But I do know that there is something wrong with my brain, with my thinking and thoughts, and my feelings.  Something that is never able to be fixed no matter how many drugs I take, how many different drug combinations, how many ECT sessions...  Something that is so far from my control, and I feel like a failure everyday because of it.

I can look at a piece of chicken.  I can cook the hell out of it.  I can see that there is absolutley nothing wrong with it.  It can taste wonderful.  I can know that it is perfectly good in everyway.  But I can not fight the knowledge that it is poisoned.  I can not fight my head.  I put that horrible thought in there.  I know I did.  I can still remember thinking about it.  I can not get it out.  For six years I have tried to get over it, I have tried to eat chicken.  Why do I have to have this problem?

I can tell you I have some serious mental issues.  I can tell you my diagnosis.  I can tell you my fears without shame.  I can admit to every wrong thing I have done in my life.  But I can not accpet most of them.  It's like, that part of my brain does not work.  Knowing and believing are so different...

Ok, I am getting tired of my pity party for right now.  Probably report more later.  Thanks!

9:50 PM - Oct. 26, 2005 - post comment

You're not alone

Guess what, everyone's got a mental disease of one sort or another. I suffered from Agoraphobia and felt a damned failure for it almost every day.

Our defects are not what make us, our overcoming them is what defines us. I learned to deal with and eventually conquer my problem, and I'm better for it. You should do the same.

Anonymoose - 6:09 PM - Nov. 10, 2005