Seasons

So it is almost winter.  It is cold, and windy and raining.  Makes me want to stay in bed all day.  I am told this is seasonal depression, but I don't believe them.  Too many people are having this problem this fall.  It's like a full-out mass crisis of seasonal depression in my little city, then.  People are irritable, frustrated, sad, and damn cold.  I hate it.

I wish I could cry.  It seems I have lost that ability.  Not that crying ever made me feel better, but maybe I would feel a release of some kind.  That would be nice.  You know I have no recollection of the last time I cried.  I wonder when it happened.  Like, one day I woke up and was like, "no more crying for me."  I remember crying when my grandma died, but that was like 13 years ago.  I know I must have cried since then.  My eyes water sometimes when I put contacts in, so I know my tears haven't dried up.  I really wonder what happened.  I think crying is healthy...  Does that mean I am unhealthy?

I cut more of my hair off last night.  It was a frustrating day yesterday.  And people are so weird.  I know I am weird, but interacting with people all day long fries my nerves.  I wish everything could be done over the net.  So easy.  Then I wouldn't have to talk to anyone.

I had a dream the other night.  I was pregnant, and I could feel the baby in my belly moving around, but I was in denial.  Finally someone made me belive and the baby in my belly was so happy it was doing flips.  I went to bed hungry that night, and after some sex, so that is how I am thinking that came about.  Sometimes I wish I could have kids...  Then I wake up, and look around at the world, and think that it's a wonderful thing to not have kids.  I think of the kids who get beat up in school because they are different.  I think of the cliques, and that makes me think of the kids who are so desparate to get out of their life they kill a bunch of people at school before killing themself.  I think of suicide, and pressures from their peers, and parents, and schools.  Who would want to live in this age?  Not me, I can tell you that, and I don't even have the same pressure these kids do.  And hazing!  Who ever thought of that!?  Makes me want to start handing out pamplets to high schools, colleges, and random people on the street, about getting abortions so they don't have to suffer.  USE PROTECTION!   How must those parents feel to come home to their kid hanged in their garage.  Or in a tub full of blood.  Or blue in their bed from a drug overdose.  Or the brains splattered on the wall behind where they sit.  How must the parents feel when they find out their kid shot up half of the school before turning the gun on themself.  Or when they raped the girl nextdoor.  It is a very sad world we live in.  Don't bring any more babies into it.  Note: I do not always blame the parents.  Sometimes there are facts that "we(meaning us crazy people)" hide.  Sometimes no one knows until it is way too late.  I like to say "sometimes I am too smart for my own good," and I believe that is true with some of us insane people.  Some of you might think "Well if they were good parents, they would have seen something was wrong, seen some change."  I will tell you you are wrong.  When you have a high IQ to work with, and insanity mixed in there, there is almost nothing you can't pull off to some extent. 

Ok, I am leaving that subject alone for a bit.  Maybe I should get ready for work, or maybe I should call in.  Did I mention I hate these days?

4:10 PM - Nov. 9, 2005 - post comment

want to cry?

then watch a movie called 'The Notebook'. I've seen grown men go in to see this movie with their girlfriends and come out with red eyes.

Anonymoose - 6:31 PM - Nov. 9, 2005

wow

TY anonymoose for all your comments. It would be great if you left up a link for where ever you came from so I could visit your site/blog/whatever.
Thanks again.

anonymous - 6:57 PM - Nov. 9, 2005

Feelings...

I once read a book that said that...
if you deny ANY feeling,
on the grounds that it is objectionable,
then, to do that,
you must deny ALL feelings.

I have to believe that is why you can't cry.

It is an "either/or" proposition.

I would rather have pathos...
even if it rips my heart into two pieces...
then to deny my feelings....
and then try to cut myself in order to feel anything at all.

An existence in hell is better than no existence...
Hell isn't as tidy, but at least it is more manageable.

But is that why you think about 'cutting' so often?

One last note:
And this is 'me' talking...

You talk about being 'insane'...
Well, I am not a doctor...

But I think that
All insanity is...
really just a lack of humility.

Humility is realistically
evaluating your strengths
and weaknesses,
priorities and abilities.
That is all sanity is.
Humility is forward thinking...
humiliation is backward thinking.

Do you think that I am right? Or do you disagree?

I hope you get feeling...
and then get feeling better...

peace.

Steve - 11:00 PM - Nov. 9, 2005

NP

Thank me not, your posts generate thinking. :) I'd love to tell you but that wouldn't make me very anonymoose would it?

Anonymoose - 6:03 PM - Nov. 10, 2005