Cutting

So I was looking around at random webblogs today and I came across a suicidal ideation page....

That got me thinking about my own suicidal ideation, which made me think of cutting.  First off, there isn't a day that goes by that I don't have some sort of thought about suicide.  It's an easy topic to lose myself in.  Especially when I am driving.  But I always think about if I crash my car and not die...  That would be horrible.  Well anyway, on to self injury...

As I was thinking about cutting, I realized that I haven't done it in a really long time.  That got me trying to think of the last time, and I couldn't.  So I replayed in my mind all the places I have lived in the past.  I have lived here for almost a whole year.  I know for a fact I haven't cut/burned/bruised/whatever here.  That's a whole year under my belt!  I made it a whole year.  I would have never thought that to be possible!  That makes me kinda proud of myself.  But I am still adicted to it, just like opium.  They give me the same feeling deep inside my gut.  That funny little mite, doing flips in my stomach, urging me to do it, telling me I will get my release with that first stroke, with that first hit.... *sigh*  I am still proud, even with all these ugly scars, and confused/hateful stares they get.

6:05 PM - Nov. 9, 2005 - post comment

Thanks for the hug today...

I needed it.

*hugs back*

Steve - 10:11 PM - Nov. 9, 2005

One day you'll have a day where you don't think of suicide

I have also had years on end where I thought about it every minute. And months on end where I thought about it every few SECONDS. That was rough. I can honestly say that it's been days since I thought about it. Well, maybe a few hours at least. But I had a stretch of probably a week where I didn't think about it. And with a lot of help, I plan on stretching that out to years and years and years. Keep on working on it. tiredwithallthese.blogspot.com

Anonymous - 2:08 AM - Nov. 10, 2005

cutting

oh my god, I know what you mean about still being addicted to cutting! I also haven't cut in years, but I have bruised in the last few months... Sometimes I see a razor blade or knife and I just imagine digging it into myself, but somehow I have managed not to. Your description made me realize what it means to be a sober alcoholic. I guess I am a non-cutting cutter.
tiredwithallthese.blogspot.com

Anonymous - 2:10 AM - Nov. 10, 2005

Untitled Comment

there are no words to explain how it felt to hear that you made it a year without cutting--i struggle with this everyday and out of all of my 'issues'--bipolar, bpd, and such --this is the one thing that i don't feel i can talk about much---to friends, family or even just on my blog--for me its such a strong urge yet a 'silent' scream---to hear someone out there has actually made it one full year---it gives me hope

Anonymous - 8:51 PM - Nov. 10, 2005