Meditation and Dreams

So I meditated today.  I mean, I meditate *almost* everyday, but today it felt nice, like nicer than usual.  I think getting a lot of this heartache off my heart really helps.  And the comments do too. (Thanks Steve from  http://loudbuzz.blogspot.com/ and Annette from http://tiredwithallthese.blogspot.com/ and Moose and all you anonymous people.)  If you don't do some form of relaxation, you should give it a try.  I usually do it before bed because it *usually* gives me nice dreams, but sometimes it gives me horrible nightmares. 

NIGHTMARES!  Wow, I have had some really bad sprees of nightmares.  *shivers*  There were times in my life(and not that long ago) that I wouldn't sleep for a week I was so scared.  My subconcious can be a viscious thing.  Like my life wasn't sucky enough...  I couldn't even hide in my sleep. 

I remember a dream I had once.  Feels like ages ago.  See, I tried to kill myself a few times.  Not very successful, even though I technically should have died two of the times.  But this dream, it kind of opened my eyes that I didn't really want to die.  So, here it is...

I was flying.  It felt so awesome.  It felt better than any orgasm or any high I have ever had.  I was so happy.  Then I started falling, and it was still awesome.  I could still control myself a bit, it was just like flying but faster.  I started to think about when I would hit the ground.  I suddenly realized that I was dreaming, and remember that myth that if you are still sleeping when you hit the ground in a falling dream, that you will die.  So I started thinking/praying/chanting, "don't wake up, hit the ground, don't wake up," over and over.  I hit the ground.  I didn't wake up.  I remember being very sad because I knew I was still alive.  As I was laying there, a white film started coming out of my body.  I looked at it confused for awhile until I realized that it was my soul.  I didn't want my soul to leave me.  I needed it in me.  So I went to reach up and grab my soul to pull it back into me, and I couldn't, because I was dead.  I had no soul.

That dream was so full of such raw emotion.  When I told my friend about it a few days later, I started bawling.  That dream, still so vivid in my mind when so many other memories have failed me, I had eight years ago.  It made me see the difference in really wanting to die, and really just wanting the pain to stop.  The pain that I had no tears for.

7:30 AM - Nov. 11, 2005 - post comment

Wow!

My gawd,
That was incredibly intense!

One night, we had an ice storm..
icicles formed on our power lines...
the street were deserted...
you could see the glare of the street lights
shining on the clear sheets of ice on the road.

And I wasn't working that night...
but as bad as it was outside,
I simply had to go to work.

When I got there...
she just finished her shift.
I said hi...
she asked what I was doing there...
I told her I was just 'out and about'...
then I asked her if I could scrape her windows for her.

"Oh sure you can!"
She got in her car and warmed it up.
I scraped, and then she said thanks and drove away.

Then, at that moment, I felt all alone.
I really had nobody...nobody at all...
I could just feel this dreadful, complete emptiness inside of me.
My life doesn't matter...
because nobody loves me or can tell me who I am.

I got in my car...
and cracked on some Ronnie James Dio so loud...
so I won't feel anything at all...
just numb, listening to the familar words...
with the music pulsating my skin...placating the pain...
But these sensations urged me open my mouth
And when I did, a cry came out from my heart...
and the tears flowed down my cheeks.

I couldn't see the road because of my tears...
and when I focused my eyes...
I saw the lamppost that my car was headed straight for.
And I turned my wheel to avoid it...
although, I didn't feel that I would really care if I died...
and I felt my car tires hit the curb as I swerved on the ice...
and then all of a sudden...
the shock of the impact made me feel scared...
like maybe I still wanted to live.
I was able to quickly regain control of my car on the icy road...
and thankfully, no one else was around me...

but I still needed to regain control of my life.

"What am I here for?"
Huh?
WHAT AM I HERE FOR!!!??

That was the start of a very long search for me...
and one that may never end, until I finally die.

But I am here...

And I will never forget that cold, dark, night.

Steve - 10:01 AM - Nov. 11, 2005

Intense!

That dream of yours was well worth remembering and treasuring as your own, for all its pain. I used to write down my dreams every morning when I woke up. The weird thing is that I would forget the dream shortly after I wrote it down (I had a certain window in which to write it down), and when I went back later to read it, it would be like reading the diary of a stranger. I felt possessed - it was really eerie.

I have also had many suicide / self-injury dreams, and this post of yours has inspired me to write about my dream experiences -

Annette (tiredwithallthese)

Anonymous - 6:33 PM - Nov. 11, 2005