So it's over...

Another sex-less marriage crumbles.

Does anyone even care?

Do I?

The saddest part about it all, after all these years, the months with no affection, the fighting, the unhappiness, the cheating, the weeks with no money for food, the occasional punch(from either side), is I AM sad. 

I really am sad.  It took me three hours to get out of bed today.  I made it to the couch, where I layed down for another eight hours.  It is such a weird feeling.  Loving someone, but not loving them.  Liking them, but loathing them at the same time.  I have been questioning my motives and his motives for staying in so long.  What I come up with makes me want to cry.

I supported him for about five years.  Five years he didn't work.  Hell, he didn't do anything.  I was so God Damned proud of him when he got a job.  I was so proud when he moved up in ranks.  I was so proud of him when he was bringing home a check.  I showered him with praise.  I wanted him to stick with a job so he would never have to leave me again(another huge story that will give you too much information about him).  I worked up his courage, I worked up his self-esteem.  I worked him up so much, he is now with another woman.

Here is another paragraph because I need to emphasize a few points here.  I asked him to leave.  We then discussed a bunch of stuff that happened to be the straw that broke the camels back.  He didn't fight with me.  I didn't fight.  It was peaceful.  He left.  What I felt was he didn't care anymore to even fight with me, FOR me.  He was fine with it.  For about 6 months or so, we had been actively talking about sleeping with other people.  Basically that was for me.  He didn't care to have sex with anyone, or so he said.  I know he DIDN'T have sex with anyone else, but now I know he was tempted.  Not that this upsets me.  Sex is sex.  I don't care about sex.  It's another fact that breaks my heart...

He LOVES her.  Not that he came out and said it to me, but in him NOT answering me, I know it.  See, we are still friends, we talk almost everyday.  He came over this morning, to take a shower, since he is still technically homeless.  He told me he had sex with her last night.  Like I said, no big deal.  He told me some details about her that I was interested in.  Then I asked him the question.  There is a story here too, but all you need to know is by him not answering it, it meant he loves her, or at least thinks he does. 

I could PUKE.

He LOOOOOOOVVVES her.  And he says stuff about her that I feel is a direct insult to me.  Like he said the other day "she is like the hottest girl I have ever been with."  I swallowed the lump in my throat, and told him that was a little hard on me.  He told me later "she is so cool, and shy like me, not at all like you."  He was so happy he was glowing.  Here again, I swallowed with everything I had, smiled and nodded.

Can't he see my pain when he rubs that shit in?  How insensitive! 

And she is a pill-popper!  A coke-snorter!  A weed-smoker!  How can he LOVE her when he HATED it when I smoked?!?!  AND she has a three year old little girl, who was also at my house last night, and she NEVER watched her.  Her three-year-old was either watched by me, when I could handle her, or was COMPLETELY unsupervised in a completely UNchild-safe house!  OMG!  If you had ANY idea of the number of razor blades I have laying around, you would have freaked if you were in anyway a good parent.  I bought a new keyboard a week or two back, I come in this room, and here she has broken my shift key, ripped apart a doll I made, and used every single bandaid in the house.  Not to mention the post-it notes all over, the toothpaste on the floor in the bathroom, and the three cans of Mountain Dew that she drank.  My cat wouldn't come out of the closet, she was so terrified of this little girl.  She was all too busy trying to get a man back in her bed.  How fucking lame.  LAME.  AND SHE has cheated on her husband.  How can he LOVE her?

So he had sex with her.  Neither of them came.  I was slightly thrilled when I heard this.  He said she gave him head for over an hour, and he was no where near orgasm.  I could have made him cum, and I can't give head for an hour or I wouldn't be able to close my mouth or move my neck.  And they had sex forever he said.  Again, no where near cumming.  I would have figured for how much he wanted her, he would have shot right away and had to pull some fancy moves for another shot at it.  I feel a slight victory to my ever-depleting self-esteem.  I could make him cum.

In my self-appointed-professional-opinion, it won't last.  She is not what he likes.  He hates druggies.  He doesn't much care for kids, or a lot of noise.  He likes calm.  He likes games.  She doesn't play games.  She works a lot.  He needs consistant attention.

Did I ever say I pictured us together forever?  Cuz I did.  I saw us growing old together.  I saw us playing games until our eyes bled.  I saw us talking over coffee, about everything and anything.  I saw us staying up until the restaraunt opened, so we could get some good breakfast before we went to sleep.  I saw us always trying to squeeze into any shower, so we could be together just another minute....

Well here the tears are finally falling.  The tears I prayed for so long.

I feel I played a very dangerous game and I lost.  He wasn't supposed to love her.  He was supposed to fuck her.

11:57 PM - Dec. 1, 2005 - post comment

Untitled Comment

i have been (and still am) in a very similiar situation--i know nothing can be said to make you feel any better--everyone will try with all the same ol' cliches--unfortunately, none of them really help--i wish for you to find peace and happiness
marie

Anonymous - 8:42 PM - Dec. 2, 2005

Untitled Comment

holy shit, I'm so sorry you're going through this. Huge hug. She sounds like a LOSER, and WTF is up with HIM to go after this? And that child sounds like a holy terror. I'm glad that you found a chance to post even with life going down the toilet at the moment. Keep on posting. -Annette

Anonymous - 3:43 PM - Dec. 3, 2005

kindred

As sad as it sounds this post makes me feel a kindred with you. My marriage has not yet fallen apart, but it might as well have, it already hurts like it has. Thanks for stopping by my site.

Penn - 10:16 AM - Dec. 5, 2005