"I'm Sorry..."

I hate hearing these words.  I hate them for a bunch of reasons.  First, people should not do something they will be sorry about.  Second, sorry means I will need to forgive for some stupidness.  Third, I hate it because it means something went wrong.  So where did it go wrong?

He told me yesterday, "I am sorry I didn't love you enough."

I almost cried.  I didn't.  Why does he have to talk to me about it?  Why can't he let it go?  Always bringing our past relationship up.  I DO NOT want to hear about it.  I do not want to be compared against.  I want to be just me again.  Not His other half, not HIS.  Mine.  Me.  I. 

Alone.

He didn't love me enough...  Meaning he loved her more?  Meaning the little bit of love he had for me didn't keep him with me?  Meaning he TRIED to love me but couldn't? 

There is one more option.  I did not think of this until I felt like puking all day yesterday.  After my best friend took me out to my fav Thai place, where my thoughts kept going back to "love you enough," it hit me that he could have meant FOR ME.  He didn't show me love enough.  Not that he didn't LOVE me, but that he didn't/couldn't/wouldn't show me the affection I was so constantly begging for. 

So he came over today, hung out a few hours.  Is he doing it for my benefit?  I don't think so.  I think I am being used for a place to hang out while his girl friend is at work.  So almost 6 years is not enough time to use me?  Need to get in a few more weeks?  Few more shots at actually breaking me?

I ask him about Her.  He tells me.  I commented on how he didn't look as happy as the first night he started with her.  I mean, that first night, he was glowing.  He could have been shot, and still smiled.  He was so happy.  But today he looked worn out.  More worn out than I have seen him look in a long time.  He told me that he doesn't want to talk about her because it makes me sad.  I told him talking about her does nothing to me.  It's when he talks about us, I get upset.  So he said something about not talking about us.  I reminded him about the "love you enough" comment yesterday.  He couldn't say anything.  Then he said, "you don't have to get mad."  I was SO not mad.  Does he not get it?  I will ALWAYS love him.  If he doesn't love me as much, fine.  But don't keep bringing up our past.  So then he left, told me to call him if I needed him.  I don't need him.  I just want a hug...

10:53 PM - Dec. 3, 2005 - post comment

I think you are right...

When I was reading this, I thought the same thing you finally thought about...
that he meant...not that he loves this girl more than he loved you...but that he realizes he didn't exhibit his love/devotion to you enough...and this makes him feel guilty...like, for everything you've done...he should have done more for you. And he probably comes over because he 'misses' you...who else makes him feel really cared for? But I think he knows it is time for you to move on...and time for him to move on...and, I wouldn't be surprised if a couple more of these meetings turn into confessionals...because he still wants to learn from this...rather than taking this 'lesson' for granted too.

Does he try to do anything for you now?? Does he try to lift your weight a little, like you lifted his heavy ass for 5 years or more? If not, then it isn't real repentance...he is just being sentimental...and like you said, you don't need that!!! You don't need to go back to the failed promises...the utter bullshit...

If it is just sentimentality, then I would kick his ass out of your house. "Don't visit, if it is just to re-visit."

Sentimentality is NOT ENOUGH love to have for one another...you need real action...in order for love to be real...and you dear, SA, acted, and he didn't...so, the good news is that you can really love someone...and you will really love someone again...but in regard to him...just STOP asking yourself if he can love someone else - like this new girl - because until he can act responsibly and not simply feel sentimentally toward someone - which is that "glow" - he cannot really love ANYONE!

And as you pointed out before...it doesn't appear that by picking this new girl - who has the kinds of "issues" that she has (that he has said in the past that he doesn't really like) - that he is still not making responsible choices.

Like I said, "Love is enjoyment WITH a sense of responsibility and futurity."

When he took your love for granted, it was because he took his responsibility and futurity for granted...and you just can't do that, if you really love someone.

Then again...that is just my impression from what you wrote here...and I could be completely wrong...

Anyways, you get a hug from me!!! :+) I hope what I say helps a little and I hope you will be okay.

Steve - 6:11 AM - Dec. 4, 2005

one small correction...

above, I should have wrote:

"And as you pointed out before...it DOES appear..."

Steve - 6:19 AM - Dec. 4, 2005

WOW

neither one of you know me--i just happened upon your blog a few weeks ago---but---what steve wrote really hit home for me--i never really looked at things like that before--i just wanted to say thank you to steve i really needed to hear what you wrote--and to nameless as i said before you are in my thoughts and i wish you strength
marie

Anonymous - 8:19 AM - Dec. 4, 2005

marie

Wow!
I very am glad that it helped you...
and thank you for telling me! :+)

Steve - 12:42 PM - Dec. 4, 2005

Man

Sorry I haven't been here in a while, but don't worry I haven't forgotten about you. I'll come back soon to catch up but I've been busy.

I'm not sure what's happened between you and Him, but when I read his comment I really felt for you. I know what it's like to give and give and give and never get enough back. It fucking hurts.

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