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Looking back on yesterday and todayYesterday I had put a picture of myself up here for about five minutes. I was showing the people from Blog Explosion's ShoutBox what my green and blue hair looks like. I got a couple comments before I took it down. I wish I would have read them. I didn't even notice until I clicked "ok" to delete that post. I feel it's so stupid, but I don't want anyone in my life to come across this. I mean, look at how many people use Blog Explosion. Someone I know might have a blog, might use BE, might come across me. I want to feel safe discussing my past. I don't want to feel censored. So I took it down.
Today we had Christmas at my mom's. *sigh* I felt the need to go. We haven't even been talking for a year now. I mean, it was after Christmas last year that I started talking to her again. She is trying to be a better person. And I fall for it everytime. It is such an illness. It's insanity. I am trying to let her in my life. I am waiting for her to break my heart again.
Sometimes I wonder if I feel I deserve it. Do I deserve misery? Or if I feel I need it. Do I purposely make myself hurt? Do I need pain in my life to live? Can I be happy? Do I like to feel like shit?
Most of the time, I think I am comfortable with my pain, my depression. I do not believe I will get better and it is ok with me. I get up when I want, I eat if I am hungry, shower if I stink. I make the motions, I live in a haze.
Sometimes the smoke clears a little too fast. And I am thrown into a world I hate. Everything is wrong, people are stupid, God made me as a science experiment (or something equally stupid) and won't let me die. It is painful. Devestating. These days I don't get out of bed. I don't eat, I don't shower, forget housework of any kind. These are the days I can't make myself take two steps to the computer.
If the smoke clears slowly, I see the color and beauty in the world. I notice how green the trees are, how sparkly the snow is. I can enjoy the aroma of coffee, or relax is my daily showers. The problem with this is the stress I constantly feel. The anxiety. The fakeness. Everything is so in your face. The worst part is the fall. I will never stay happy long.
I was diagnosed with Bipolar Type 2 a few times. Psychiatrists can never make up their minds. And if I am so tricky, maybe they should just give me a generic personality disorder. Whoa! Maybe I will list all dianosed personality disorders. Maybe not. Maybe just my favorites....
Borderline Personality Disorder : I think this one is a little off the mark. Obsessive Compulsive Disorder : Oooo, hit it on the head! Schiziod : I hate the sound of it, but it's so close...
With a few diagnoses here:
Major Depressive Disorder : A disorder? come on... Major Depression with psychotic features : sounds good to me. Post Tramatic Stress Disorder : I remember coming home with this one and my step-dad saying "Holy shit, people who went through wars have that." Yeah, Thanks asshole. Chronic Suicidal Ideation : There's a name for this too???
ANYWAY! The day went well. I ate, I drank, I smoked, then I went home and watched an Eddie Izzard DVD. If was from back when he wore less makeup in public. Funny stuff. I love men in makeup.
So what did we learn today kids? Nothing you say?!?!?! Pffft. You learned that insanity sucks, especially when you can see it happening. You learned that when I am truely depressed, you will not see me. You learned that if your parents suck when you are young, they will never change. Because people are people. And we are stupid and sucky, and everything unholy.
9:42 PM - Dec. 24, 2005 - post comment
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Description This is where I throw all my cards on the table... anonymously, of course. I am depressed, and I know it. I am insane, and I know that, too. I just need somewhere to get it all out. Wanna know more? Try... Not Everything's Rose-tinted Self-Searching I'm Sorry Uncomfortable Feelings Society Issues Home User Profile Archives January 2006 December 2005 November 2005 October 2005 Friends(of a sort) Vittra of "Untamed Sanctions" Debbie of "Alaskan Chilli" Steve of "loudbuzz sounding off" Steve of "American Drifter" Moni of "My Scarlet Conclusion" Evie of "Evie's Corner" Betty of "Whirling Betty" FuzzBuck of "Gamer for a Laugh" EnderFP of "Red Monkey" Plusultra of "Plusultrapics" Ezine Writer of "Pivot Point" Adrian of "Everyone's Got One" Free Website Logo Design Past Renters! Jafer of "Idiot on a Stick" Miss Ann of "Miss Ann Thrope" Want my Feed? 
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