Poor Poor Computer

So I need to reinstall windows.  From scratch.  I need to format my drive.  I hate doing this.  Such a pain in the ass.  I am not enthused.  I asked my ex today if He would come fix it.  He is coming over in like 8 hours.  I should be sleeping.

Did I mention I saw Him checking me out the other day?  Like totally up and down twice.  It was the strangest feeling in the world.  I found out some gossip though.  Being the only fast food restaurant around, the girls at McDonald's know it all.  I chatted one up, and found out that He doesn't want to have sex with Her until she is divorced.  I guess She is pushing him into having sex with Her.  I am starting to wonder if He is just having some... problems... with His... penis.  Or maybe He is going to finally come out of the closet.  So this girl goes on to say that He confided in her that He doesn't think that They are going to last.  Bravo buddy.  We all knew that.  She is soooo not your type.  Maybe He is having a mid-life crisis, but early or something.  I found out from His Ex that He had the same issues with Him.  I guess they had some really rough sex so he could get off.  He was NEVER rough rough with me.  I had to admit I was a little jealous when she said that.  Oh my god!  When He was over here today, He mentioned he had to go home and wash the dishes.  I almost puked all over the floor, all over His shoes.  WHAT.THE.FUCK!  He is washing her dishes?!?!?  I am sure my dishes are like her dishes....  He is washing her dishes.  In the last couple months, he would not touch a dish.  Would not dry, would not put away.  He would NOT help.  He NEVER WASHED the dishes.  Not once in six years.  In six years I always washed the dishes.  And here he was going to WASH AND DRY AND PUT AWAY.  I really think I threwup a bit in my mouth.  I hated him when he said this almost as much as when he was verbally compairing me and her.  The shit I suffered with...  Why the fuck didn't i leave four years ago.

Yes, that's right, four years ago.  While I was going through our things, dividing things up, I found quite a few things I would have never remembered.  For example:  I came across a letter from him.  He was giving me permission to sleep with other people because he couldn't handle my sex-drive.  TWO YEARS into our relationship.  I should have ran then.  But I think in a sick way, I needed him as much as he needed me.  He needed love, understanding, and support.  I needed... well I needed a lot of things.  But I did not need what he turned out to be.

I am going to now give you more information about Him, that maybe will help you see me in a different light, maybe not.  I never wanted sympathy in writing this blog, and I don't now.  I just want you to know WHY a lot of things happened.

He was in and out of jail constantly.  One year they actually picked him up on my birthday.  I knew it was coming.  I was just hoping they would come the next day.  We would write back and forth, with love and expectations, and everything sweet and wonderous.  He would get  out and fall back in the same routine.  Maybe if he would have stayed out of jail, our life together would have ended sooner.  He only punched me once.  He never beat me.  He never verbally assalted me.  I think I beat him down because I would laugh at him when he got mad.  I did love him.  I did see us growing old together.  Maybe we got as old as we were going to get together.

2:44 AM - Jan. 10, 2006 - post comment

this is good...

"I did see us growing old together.
Maybe we got as old as we were going to get together."

Very well stated!
I think you must have gained 50 years back,
when you finally left him! ;+)
No wonder you got the 'creeps' when he was looking you over.

Steve - 1:01 PM - Jan. 10, 2006